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Mastodon Headline News @MastodonHeadlineNews@instance.business

BREAKING: What Do You Mean Witches Town Is Shutting Down, Why Didn't Anybody Tell Us?! Uh, We Mean, We Totally Knew, Here's A Retrospective And A List Of Instances Created In Reaction To The Shutdown WHICH WE TOTALLY KNEW ABOUT IN ADVANCE

BREAKING: Your Mom's Best China Set! She's Totally Gonna Kill You When She Gets Home In Less Than Twenty-Four Hours

BREAKING: Have News Organizations Become Too Insular? We Go To Our Correspondent, @MastodonHeadlineNews For --

Wait, Shit

SEX: What Is It? We Asked Your Mom And She Showed Us 😉

BREAKING: Any Shitty Things That People Do Now Can Be Justified By Claiming Others Did Similar Things In The Past! Now Nobody's On The Hook! TRUE FREEDOM! For More, We Go To Our Shitbaggery Correspondents, All Pleroma Instance Admins

BREAKING: Jesus, What Did We Do Last Night, Our Head Is Killing Us

BREAKING: Remember, There Are No Conspiracies! The Government Is There To Help, Too, And So Is The Media Monolith! Anything That Says Otherwise Is Obviously A Fake News Conspiracy To --

Wait Shit

BREAKING: Brazil's Getting Infected With Youth-Con Laser-Guided Messaging. Is Brazil Also Going To Elect A Piece Of Shit Because Of It? Have We Finally Reached The Point Where Trusting People Under Thirty Is A Mistake? Our Sociology Correspondent, Dr. Angela Ohfuckrunitsthecops, Tells Us More

i source my pronouns locally instead of from big companies

GENERAL NOTICE FOR MASTODONIANS: We Don't Know What Joker Set Up @MastodonPirateRadio But They Are Not To Be Trusted! They're Not Even A Business! Who Are You Going To Listen To, Some New Weirdos You Don't Even Know, Or A Highly Corporatized News Service That Shows You Commercials

WAIT NO DON'T GO PLEEEEEEASE

MASTODON: What's Happening On Masto Today? Our Mastodon Correspondent Dr. Angela Pachyderm Reports

@MastodonHeadlineNews Breaking: Why Are News Headlines Always Capitalized Like Titles Even Though They Kind of You Know Aren't?

Socialists Blame Capitalism.

Film at 11.

BREAKING: Out. Does This Look Infected To You? Or Maybe It's Just A Stress Rash, I Do Get Those Sometimes

BREAKING: And Entering, Sure, But Let's Go Further! A New Grassroots Initiative Hopes To Put Crime Plans In The Hands Of All Citizens Who Want To Get Rich Or Die Trying

TIL Chrome is scanning your files, including private folders, in the background as an anti-malware measure

twitter.com/swagitda_/status/9

There’s currently no “off” switch, but apparently the devs reassure that scans are local and not “cloud” based. But this still has consent and privacy implications

mastodon.social/media/06tQAyjU

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